After eight months of living in a drought State of Emergency in California, everyone’s pretty relieved to see that the water conservation efforts have jumped to 11% in urban counties for the month of August. Compared to our 7% July and 4% June results, it looks like California is one foot out of a very unwatery grave.
No way, H2-Jose.
We are about to face an aquatic dilemma so great it could not only freeze our progress, but send us back to a pre-January reverse-Waterworld. You remember where you were in January? I don’t, but I know I was thirsty. Wake up, Water: It’s Trucktober, and the exciting new line of 2015 crew-cabs is about to destroy every puddle they can get their 17-inch alloy goddamn wheels on.
Nothing moves sales faster in the month of Trucktober than a slow motion shot of a full size pickup truck blasting through a puddle, stream or brook, spraying each precious drop of our limited life source to a fate no less devastating than mud or evaporation. Sure, shorten your showers, tighten your faucets and water the lawn only on Tuesdays and Fridays; but nothing is stopping the public from signing a 1.9% Lease APR on a new Tacoma. That off-road nightmare drug around a spaceship last year. What do you think Toyota’s flagship double-cab is going to do to our invaluable shallow deposits of water?
Trucktober is a conch calling for anyone looking to upgrade to a towing capacity of 6,700 pounds or more. You better believe that the first thing they do after driving off that Ford, Chevy or Dodge lot is find a puddle to cut through like they were Emma Roberts in line for a cronut.
You don’t want to take this seriously? You think its all dry-perbole? You think no interest for the first 12 months isn’t going to prevent well-qualified buyers from wringing the golden state like a bar-rag? Open your 2WD eyes, sedan-man!
Somewhere right now, there is a fully optioned F-150 tires-deep in a creek, coating a pebble beach with wasted water. A V8 Ram 4×4 is exercising its 302 horsepower, scattering a pothole’s yield of morning rain around a canyon’s pass. A Silverado nearly empties a ranch road plashet… and finishes the job with the hitched cattle trailer that falls within all 2015 maximum payload standards. With all that off-road power, it won’t be long until they start targeting above-ground pools and spas. You think you’re safe, Raging Waters? Think again!
Let’s not forget about ATV’s, dirt bikes and children in yellow rain slickers. These are all minor, but growing threats, to California’s small bodies of water.
Listen, no one is saying not to take advantage of the great deals on a brand new truck. With their ample beds and efficient MPG, trucks could be a crucial ground force in the preservation of California’s water supply. However, our past hubris is what originally got us into this drought mess: Never Forget Trucktober 2013.
So if we’re going to drive through anything this Trucktober, let’s make it a resource we can afford to waste: like crude oil or AB blood donations.