Jalapeno Muck

This is filed under sauce solely because sauce was the original intention. Hot marsh would be a more accurate description. Like a Florida swamp in Ju-ly that someone dumped some peppers in. Illegally.

Though it was met with positive reception, I’m being hypercritical because the end result was much farther from what the recipe led me to believe. The consistency is my fault, as it turned out so lumpy because my blender is a bit antiquated and does not puree as finely as the sauce required (turned out a bit like refined pico de gallo). I have since banished it to the farthest corner of my cabinet. It’s miserable back there. The crock pot is back there and it is easily one of the most insensitive and racist appliances I own.

Let this be a warning to others who fail me.
Let this be a warning to others who fail me.

I have since purchased a food processor that will hopefully yield finer results.


  • 12 red jalapenos
  • 1 large yellow onion
  • 2 minced garlic cloves
  • 1 lime’s worth of squeezed lime juice
  • 1/2 cup dried grated parsley
  • 1 cup water
  • 2 cups white distilled vinegar
  • 1 pinch/dash/ sprinkling of coarse sea salt

Time Spent: 45 minutes

What really chapped my ass about this recipe is it was supposed to yield 2 cups of sauce.


This ended up filling 6 6-ounce bottles. You do the math. I even over-boiled it to try and dissipate excess liquid. These efforts were in vain. You do a post-op on the process and tell me if I’m in the wrong. It was always going to yield more than 2 cups.

Beat 1: Stem and seed the jalapenos / mince garlic

Look at their insides: empty. They sicken me.
Look at their insides: hollow. They sicken me.

These red ripe jalapeños were stemmed, which involves skinning them from the outside into slices and chopping those up into smaller bits. They’re not the hottest peppers on the planet, but it is a damn good thing their seeds were excluded. They burned the fingers to the touch. Like a feral skunk, it was their only defense. And it was a pathetic one. They went the way of the coward.

A word to the wise: pass on the $3 garlic press sold at Ikea. It now shares a reputation with the blender.

Beat 2: Dice onion

The only vegetable here with the spirit of the warrior.
The only vegetable here worthy of the House Stark.

The Tyrians to my Joffrey. The onions were the solitary ingredient that didn’t take their oppressor’s will lying down. They made me weep more than the trailer for The Impossible.

Beats, like 3-8: The rest of the other stuff

My internet is being a living nightmare, so I don’t feel like uploading the other pictures. They’re not that interesting anyway. Believe me, I was there. After you deal with onions, the process just loses some of its… zest. Zing.

At this point, a lime was quartered and wrung til it was as dry as the leaves of fall. The salt was added, as was 2 cups of vinegar, a cup of water, 1/2 cup of parsley and the garlic. They all bedded each other in this unsavory looking witch’s brew:

So much promise.
So much promise.

Beat… 9. I guess. THE BLEND.

Look at it. Disappointing me.
Look at it. Disappointing me.

Watch it as it barely acts in its own namesake. Pathetic. It should get a gig as a masseuse, because it is BARELY MASSAGING those soft vegetables.

Beat 10: The Boil

Brought the sauce/ stew to a boil for five minutes, then lowered to a simmer for 15 minutes. Simultaneously, I sterilized the glass bottles to keep for a few weeks. Like it would  be welcome in my home for that long.

Att this point, I still have not felt my defeat.
Att this point, I still have not felt my defeat.

Beat 11: Bottling

I got these awesome tonic bottles off American Science & Surplus. A fantastic website for containers, trinkets and probably meth lab equipment. The sauce was fitted to 6 of the 6 ounce bottles and corked.


Beat 12: The end result

A trophy of effort alone.
A trophy of effort alone.

Though I am far from enamored with the result, it was approved by my work and Didi Hirsch comrades. Now that my wrath wrath has been exercised, I have one bottle left, and will enjoy it with some lard-based tortilla chips and pretend its amazing. Because its brothers will be.

Mark my words, you red champion, you will be succeeded.

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